A little more letting go...
A few weeks ago, I went to my best friend's beautiful wedding. On that night in the beautiful attic space of a beautiful old house, I had my tarot read. It was my first tarot reading but still, it was a deep and moving experience for my reader and I. She encouraged me to lay low for the next few months, to take care of myself, to not make any big changes and to avoid traveling. Everything she said that night made since and aligned perfectly with what I've had going on so I decided to stick to these suggestions.
Except...last week my boyfriend and I decided that we should take a long weekend and find some hot springs. For the week leading up to the trip my tarot reading kept popping into my mind but I kept thinking that traveling couldn't possibly include camping in the same state we live in.
So we went ahead as planned and then nothing went as planned. My car hit black ice and we flew off the road and flipped. FLIPPED. I've never been in a car that flipped and it was the most terrifying experience of my life. Everyone was okay. Somehow. Me, my boyfriend, our dogs. But the fact that we are okay somehow terrifies me more. Like the Universe was sending me the biggest signal ever and if I don't pay attention we won't be so lucky next time. Sure, I'm lucky I didn't die but I would feel luckier if it wouldn't have happened.
But the Universe is keeping at it. It didn't stop with the totaled car because now I can't get a car loan because I am self employed doing the thing I love. And I'm out of money because how cheap do you think it is to rent a car in the middle of no where? And how much money do you really think I can make as a yoga teacher?
The Universe is fucking laughable. Literally. Every time things start to get in order, the moment where I feel like I can wake up in the morning and have a sense that things are going the way they are suppose to, that I have finally picked up the pieces of the last catastrophe, something else falls apart and it's usually in a big way.
Why this is funny is because by now I've been fucked over by the Universe so many times I know things are going to work out. And better yet, probably for the better. In a few weeks, or months, or years, I'll look back at this as a turning point for everything going right.
Regardless, there are still moments where I grasp for a sense of control and when I realize I have little to no control; it at first feels like the walls are crumbling in around me, that I'll never get anywhere in life, that I will live in this hell of being broke and stranded forever. In these moments I cry on the phone to loan brokers whom I've never met.
And then, there are the moments afterwards and in between where I begin to let go of having no control, where teaching yoga feels easy and right and beautiful and more like practicing yoga, where I believe it will all work out, where I get excited for new beginnings. Letting go of control feels like being optimistic and hoping for the best and knowing in the end I'll be stronger because of it all. I know that I will always waiver between these moments in life but so far I've been steadily moving towards a life of letting go and I guess that's just something else to be hopeful about.